That Crazy Old Umbitch
by Flooisthuma
Summary: A psychopathic woman called Umbitch terrorizes Wizarding London.


Warning! Warning! You have just reached this fanfic, please finish any food or drink you may be consuming and get ready for the laugh of your life.

If anything happens to you painful injuries etc. we ask for you not to kill us for this is the funniest fic

Disclaimer: The characters we do not own, but the plot we do. I wrote this with my friend up until the part with Lavender, because then my friend forgot about it. And I was like, why waste such a good fic? So, I decided to post it! Have fun DANA

Several Wizards were harmed in the making of this fiction.

* * *

She had changed a lot. She was now insane, wacko, and was called, 'The Umbitch'. She now has green hair, and wears a ratty old fur coat, neon orange baggy pants, and carries the most deadly weapons of all. . . A DUSTER AND A HATCHET ( not even sharp, just heavy)! She has whacked many people and covered them with dust; she goes after wizards on the street. . .Could she be . . .worse then Voldemort? She has been planning it for so long, first wizards than muggles than WORLD DOMINATION! But first she must start with wizards. 

She was walking down Wizarding London and spotted a boy with white blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. Deciding that she could care less for the boy, she brought up her deadly silver hatchet and brought it down upon his head!

"AHH YOU'RE MESSING UP MY HAIR!" Malfoy screamed. "You old hag! AAAH ITS YOU, Umbridge!" Malfoy ran to his broom and started whacking Umbridge with it. Then Umbridge took up her duster and tickled him in the face, making him drop the broom and giggle. "It tickles!"

As soon as Draco stopped laughing a boy with fiery red hair came running to him. "Malfoy I have one thing to say to you!" people stopped and looked at the scene. Umbridge kicked Ron in the shins and yelled " I WILL BE YOUR RULER ONE DAY! WORLD DOMINATION!" People everywhere started throwing rotten tomatoes at her. Malfoy gets up and yells like a little girl, "RUN FOR THE BROOMS!"

"You idiot! Just throw tomatoes at her!" yells a woman.

"Ahhh! You idiotic bloody shit eaters, stop throwing tomatoes at me!" Umbridge yelled. She got a tomato in her mouth. The boy with red hair laughed. "Look, a stuffed toad! Umbridge started walking around looking at her attackers than noticed some old students of hers. Fred and George Weasley. Umbridge grabbed them by the collar of their shirts and yelled at them. "BWAHAHAHA NOW YOU'RE NOT IN SCHOOL AND I CAN WHIP YOU WITH MY DUSTER!"

The Weasley twins moved from her grasp and yelled "_Stupefy!_" and stunned her straight in the chest. Umbridge fell backwards and made a huge noise in the street she tried to get up but her butt was caught in the cement "Damn" she cursed.

Ron yells, "Why don't you just, hop up!"

"You toad like frog!" (someone in crowd)

"You foul of a person!" (shop owner)

"Haha Umbitch, Umbitch, Umbridge" people were yelling that everywhere and Umbridge silently cried.

'Aww, is the toady crying?" mocked Malfoy.

Hermione suddenly ran/bumped into Malfoy and Malfoy caught her in his arms. Not realizing who he caught but knowing it was a girl he said "Hey babe you okay?" and Hermione just looked into his eyes. Then Draco and Hermione both screamed in horror and Malfoy yelled "AAAH BLAST YOU GRANGER!"

Then Ron screamed in fury, "AAAH DON'T TOUCH HER MALFOY"

Draco blinked, "I just did weasel."

Fred jumped up and said, "You call Ron a weasel, you call us a weasel!"

George jumps up too and shouts, "Because we are-"

Ron finishes, "The three musketeers!"

Suddenly an arrow flew through the air and landed on the ground in front of Draco. Suddenly Harry Potter appeared right in front of them, "Care to make it the 4 musketeers?"

Hermione yells, "My hero!"

Then Fred goes, "But you're not a red head!"

Harry removes his leather hat and reveals bright red hair!

Malfoy gaped, Umbridge passed out and the people everywhere stood there with their mouths open catching the flies that were around the tomatoes.

Harry then yelled, "I am a morphamangus! Have no fear! The boy who lived is here!"

Then Harry's do turned back to its natural jet black and messy hair. Then Ginny came running up to him and jumped in his arms. "Come on Harry, let's ditch these fouls and lets go shopping!"

Malfoy goes, "Who are you calling foul?"

Ginny replies, "A snobby stupid prat who just so happens to be called Malfoy!"

Everyone in the alley says, "OOOOOH!"

Then, someone unexpected appears. He was dark and brooding and was wearing everything black. In a cold voice, so cold that froze the flies in midair, he asks, "Ah, need help up Miss Dolores?"

IT WAS VOLDEMORT! DUN DUN DUN! (An organ player from nowhere starts playing Dracula music.

Umbridge came back to reality, away from her dream of selling lemonade to Snape, and looks up.

"Yes I do!"

Voldemort helps her up and everyone gasps, "He's really strong!" and " How can he just pick her up like that?" and also "Does he work out?"

After he helped her up she looked at him smiling, "We will rule the world together!" Then they sang, " WORLD DOMINATION!"

Then Umbridge does something unexpected and whacks him on the head with her hatchet!

Harry dropped Ginny with a thump and Ginny yelled "OW!" in surprise.

Harry goes up to Voldemort and yells, "VOLDY! I MISSED YOU!"

"Hey back off! He's with my father!" Malfoy shouted.

Everyone gasps "Mr. Malfoy and Voldemort together?"

"I most certainly am not!" shrieks Voldemort.

Umbridge whacks him on the head again.

"OW!" Voldemort yelled.

Ron suddenly came running through the archway screaming "AAAAAAAH VOLDY! I SHALL BOTHER YOU!" yelled Ron. "BOTHER BOTHER, BOTHER! BOTHER!"

Suddenly everyone who was watching yelled "BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!"

"AHH!" Voldemort yells. "It hurts my ears! ARGH! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he pointed his wand at Ron.

Hermione jumps in and goes, "NOOOO! DO NOT KILL HIM!" and jumps in front of Ron with a big book.

The spell hit the book and bounced off at the flies. The flies dropped dead.

The Weasleys yell, "Yay for MIONE!"

The even Draco yells, "Yay for Mione, OH YEA GO YOU SEXAY MAMA!"

Hermione couldn't have heard right could she? She than went to Draco and hugged him.

Hermione turned to Voldemort and said, "I thought you could change. But NO! I WAS WRONG!"

Then Draco picked up his Nimbus 2001 and took Hermione with him never to see them again. . .

Everybody looked to the sky and gasped. "What? Ron shouts. "She's supposed to be with me! Everyone knows that!"

"YOU CAN BE WITH LAVENDER!" yelled Hermione from the sky. Lavender hears this from faaaaar away. Flourish and Blotts. She races through the crowd over to Ron and hugs him tight.

"Lavender, GEROF ME!" shouts Ron.

"Oh yes, please do get off of him. I need to talk to Harry." interrupts Voldemort, who had dropped Umbridge on the ground. She had hit him with the hatchet again.

"Bloody hell woman stop it!" He had grabbed the hatchet from her grasp and hit her on the head.

"Ohehehagahegahegahegeoooioo!" she giggled. Voldemort hit her on the head again.

She laughed, and then said, "OW OWIE OW OW OW!"

"MUAWAHAHAHA!" laughed Voldemort evilly and Umbridge with surprising speed, runs, stops, pulls out the duster and faces Voldemort.

"Touch me and die!" she yelled at him.

The whole street was watching intently and a man in a pinstripe suit was selling popcorn, cotton candy and lemon drops. Let's just say he made pretty big galleons that day.

"As if I would want to touch you," answered Voldemort, in fighting stance with Umbridge's hatchet.

"Have at you!" screamed Umbridge and rushed toward him.

"ARRRRGH!" shouted Voldemort and ran rushing towards her. Then slow motion came on.

"Ha…ha…ha…haaaa…" yelled Voldemort at Umbridge swinging his axe in circles.

"Noooow yoooooou diiiiiiiieeeee!" shrieked Umbridge, as her foot falls caused cracks in the street. People were having fun watching the slow motion.

Then slow motion stopped and they ran really fast, and just as they were about to strike each other with their 'weapons' they ran full flat into each other. They bounced off and went flying on either side of the street. Several wizards were squished in the process.

Harry was bored, the Weasleys were laying cards, and Hermione and Draco were flying in the sky. Lavender was sitting on Ron's lap, much to his enjoyment and was helping him with cards.

Harry called out to everybody, "Come on! Gather round for the biggest show of this year, THE BOY WHO LIVED VS. YOU-KNOW-WHO VS. THE BIG FAT TOAD!" The crowd cheered and with the wave of some wands, a huge boxing ring occurs in the center of the street and with a puff of black smoke Voldemort appears on one side, from green smoke emerges Umbridge, and from another side in a puff of golden smoke is Harry.

Lee Jordan appears out of nowhere and sings "Here we are now, the wind to the east side, we look at our friends as they start to fight, fight and fight yea they'll fight all day, soon a winner there might be this day!" (It was the tone from Moby and Gwen Stefanie. South side)

The crowd cheers as flashes from cameras occur everywhere.

"I will defeat you both! For I am LORD VOLDEMORT! BUWAHAHAHA!" yelled Voldemort, wearing a long black cloak, a torn black leather west, torn black jeans, black high heeled boots and he had a black and green Mohawk.

"You can't defeat me Voldy! I may have missed you, but I was waiting for the time that I could kick your arse! For I am, THE BOY WHO LIVED, who will defeat, conquer, kill, and burry Lord Voldemort! Tee hee he heee!" said Harry who was wearing a bright red shirt that said, "I survived Voldemort', blue jeans, black shoes, and a backwards cap that said, "Lord Moldy Butt sucks!"

"Neither of you will survive this night, for this is the night I kicked WIZARD ASS!" yelled Umbridge, who was wearing an outfit that very closely resembled a Tarzan outfit. Quickly a wizard with a wand said a spell that made her censored and blurry.

"And it begins!" shouted Lee Jordan.

Voldy and Harry ran to each other and stopped. Harry slapped him in the face. Voldy slapped him back. Harry replied by smacking him. Voldemort backhanded him. Harry Bitch-slapped him. This went on for about 2 minutes and the crowd couldn't stop watching for they were enthralled.

Umbridge on the other hand was sick of this so she just body slammed them. They fell to the ring but bounced back up! "WEEE!" they yelled. It was like a trampoline!

Then they landed on Umbridge who fell face first in the floor.

"Yeah!" Voldy and Harry said in unison and slapped each other a high 5. Then it was time for them to fight each other. Neither of them were good at fighting hand to hand so they called in special some ones to help them.

"Crabbe! Goyle! Teach these goons how to fight!" yelled Draco from above. We can't see them but we can hear them.

"Uhhhh, oookay," they replied. Crabbe went to Harry and showed him how to punch.

"Okaaay, hoold out yoooour haaaand and maaake a fisssst and throoow it ouuuut. There yaaa gooo!" he said slowly. Goyle said the same thing to Voldemort.

"OK! GO!" shouted Lee. He rang a bell.

Voldy and Harry ran up to each other again and slammed their fists into each other. They both fell backwards.

"Cool!" They laughed. Then they did it again and again.

Then suddenly, Harry did an unexpected thing. He pulled out a toothpick from his pocket and waved it in front of Voldy.

"Watch it! He's got a pick!" Voldy shouted. "Everybody down!"

Everybody dropped to the floor.

"Hey no! Voldy just has something stuck in his teeth that's all!" he shouted.

"OOOH!" shouts of relief sounded from every corner. Then Fred yelled, "BINGO!"

Looks go to him and sees that the Weasleys are playing bingo. Fred had won a kiss from Angelina.

Looks went back to the ring where Umbridge was stuck in the ground and Voldy was picking his teeth while Harry held a mirror in front of him.

Then Harry said, "Voldemort! My hand hurts! Hold it yourself."

Voldemort touched Harry's fingers to get the mirror but Harry dropped the mirror making Voldemort lose it as well. It shattered in slow motion.

"HAHA! VOLDY YOU GOT BAD LUCK FOR 7 YEARS!" yelled Harry gleefully as it shattered into millions of pieces.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Voldemort, on his knees hands to the air.

"YEAH!" yelled the crowd.

HARRY HAD WON THE BATTLE! So as a prize he won a magic lamp.

He rubbed the side and out popped a genie. Everyone gasped in awe. It looked like a blue blob.

"You get 3 wishes!" said the genie crossing his arms.

"Cool!" said Harry. "Okay, my first wish is that I wish the Weasleys were really really rich!" The genie snapped his fingers and all the Weasleys look surprised as their pockets filled with coins and crowns fell on their head.

"Okay, my second wish," he said without any hesitation, "Is that I wish that there was a word that rhymed with orange!"

The genie snapped his fingers and a huge book of rhymes popped in the air. He skimmed through the pages and pointed to a word. "Forange! It means that who ever gets a magic lamp gets 4 wishes instead of 3!" he said smiling. Then he frowned, and said, "Damn! More work for me!"

"Ok, My third wish is….Wait…What can be my third wish?" Harry looked to the crowd for answers.

"Get some lemonade!" shouted a voice.

"Wish you knew how to knit!" shouted another wizard.

"Hello! Do you guys not understand? He can get rid of You-know-who forever!" shouted a very wise wizard.

Gasps went through wizarding alley.

"Yes!" yelled Harry. "Okay! I wish Voldemort was a flower!"

The genie snapped his fingers and Voldemort turned into a very pretty purple daisy. Which was crushed by the foot of a clumsy Harry.

"Oops."

"VOLDEMORT IS FOREVER GONE! HIP HIP CHERIO! HIP HIP HURRAY!" everybody was celebrating and having fun.

"And my final wish," said a teary eyes Harry, "Is that Lily and James Potter and Sirius Black were alive once again."

In the snap of the genie's fingers, Lily, James, and Sirius were standing in front of Harry.

"Yay Harry!" they exclaimed. "MOSH MOSH MOSH!"

Harry was thrown up in the air and was touched by the crowd of wizards. Ginny touched him in a bad place, but of course Harry liked it.

AFTERSHOCK:

Umbridge was caught by the Wizards Department of Overweight Maniacs and was sent to St. Mungos in a padded room.

The Weasleys bought a huge castle with many rooms. Lavender and Ron were married and so was Ginny and Harry. They lived in the castle. Draco and Hermione learned to love each other and moved in soon after. After all, Draco had changed. (Remember, he got bumped on the head)

James and Lily and Sirius also moved in and invited Remus to stay. It was a big huge happy family.

Crabbe and Goyle went on to be professional trainers of the boxing ring and the crowd went home. It was the greatest day in Wizard History.

The genie went to work for Aladdin soon after and the dead flower that used to be Voldemort was made into perfume. Nobody bought it for it smelt like B. O.

(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-(o)-

THANKS FOR READING! HOPE YOU PISSED YOURSELF LAUGHING AT THE STUPIDITY! BYE!


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